In the cool, blue, post-midnight
light, Ed stared at the blank screen of his laptop; the screen stared back,
unsympathetic and uninspiring. He drummed his fingers on the desk, but that
didn’t seem to produce any ideas. He spun in his chair, checked his phone,
stared at the ceiling, checked his phone, banged his head against the keyboard,
deleted the resulting fjkdhghbvw, checked his phone. In the silence of the
early morning, Ed’s heart raced and his hopes sank. As the hands on the clock
spun towards dawn, towards the due date, towards the deadline, the laptop
simply laughed at Ed’s feeble efforts to write an introduction.
Ed’s
experience, however painful, is not unusual. Many students suffer from the
syndrome clinically known as Howamisupposedtodothisitis. Symptoms include fidgeting,
insomnia, and the occasionally terminal case of procrastination. Scientists
across the nation have been working feverishly to solve the problem, and to the
great relief of teenagers from coast to coast, they have stumbled upon two approaches:
Abject Surrender and Jubilant Domination. As examples of Jubilant Domination
are so rare, most studies, including this one, focus on elucidating and
exploring the various forms and elements of Abject Surrender.
I.
For each body paragraph, write a complete topic
sentence.
a.
should be grammatically correct
b.
should state an opinion
II.
Beneath your topic sentence, provide two
supporting details.
a.
may include evidence, examples, definitions, or
other info that proves your opinion is correct/accurate
b.
may be bullet points instead of complete
sentences – don’t give too much info here
III.
An outline for a 5-paragraph essay is
insufficient.
a.
often underdeveloped
b.
unlikely to earn more than a C
IV.
Outlines should be typed.
a.
MLA optional. This model is fine.
b.
If you’re desperate, it’s better to turn in a
handwritten assignment than nothing.
V.
Instead of a conclusion, write a “So What?”
statement.
a.
basically, state your purpose
b.
you may use “Because [claim] is true, we should
…” format but you don’t have to
So what? Because so many students face mountains of
pressure, we should focus on making decisions that are likely to lead to
success.
